2010 is coming to the end. It's been quite a year. Mostly it has been the most amazing, life-changing year of my life. Clearly the biggest thing that has happened is that I have become a mother. It has changed me in ways I never thought imaginable. It has changed my life, my marriage, my relationships in ways I never thought possible. It is amazing to me that this little butterball of pink skin can shake my world to its core. To watch the world come alive through his eyes and to experience the little things of life all over again. I knew I would love him. Adore him even. What I didn't understand is that my love for him would change me. That it would bring out my best and expose my worst.
Loving Jackson has brought out a gentler side in me. It's funny because I never thought I was the housewife type until I got married and then I turned into my version of June Cleaver. I always knew I wanted to be a mom but the mom I envisioned myself as was not the mom I think I am. I feel better at this then I thought I would be. I worried it I would have trouble fitting into the role but from the first moment I held him we belonged to each other and I could figure out what he needed.
That isn't to say there hasn't been plenty of cringe-worthy, I-just-lost-mommy-of-the-year award moments. There has. Some that I'm very, very glad have been just between him and I and no one was around. But even in those moments when I know I have behaved my worst he turns and he smiles at me and I know all is forgiven. And let me tell you, no one can forgive you like a child. If only we adults could learn to let it go like they do.
Being a mother has also brought out or at least reminded me that there are definitely areas in my life I need to focus on. Things about myself that I need to learn to love, learn to let go of and finally learn how to deal with. There are things I have pushed down and pushed aside because I just didn't want to deal with it, but I have come to realize that just isn't acceptable anymore. I'm a mother. I'm someone's example. I'm someone who is guiding another's life. What I do, say and behave like will forever impact who he will become. How can I possibly instill self esteem in my son if I lack it? How can I give him confidence if I don't show it? The old saying of "do what I say, not what I do" is so false. While kids do pay attention to what we say, more than anything they follow the examples of our behavior. I know I can't and won't be perfect but I want to be the best version of me I can be.
So with 2010 in my rearview mirror and all the highs and lows that came with it I'm walking towards 2011 with high expectations. This coming year is about me. And that sounds incredibly selfish. But frankly I CAN'T care about that. These days are going fast. I don't want to waste them worrying about damage I've done. I want to use them to be the very best version of myself. And not just for the boy, but for ME, for my husband. We all deserve the very best of Bree. I deserve to feel worthy DESPITE my age, weight, life choices or anything else I allow people to judge me by. My husband deserves to have a woman by his side that helps him, stands beside him, lifts him up and makes him someone to be proud of. My boy deserves a mom that can back up the confidence, can teach him love, loyalty and forgiveness. 2011 is about me becoming the woman I should be so I can teach my son how to be the man he can be.