I am participating in a Blog Share. Basically what this means is that you sign up and write a post that is anonymously posted on another's blog. It's a way to say some things you need to, get some things off your chest and do it all in a forum that you won't be recognized. I think it is kind of cool thing. So here is the following post written by one of the Blog Share participants. Please be as kind to this person as you are to me.
Title: They say "suicide is painless."
I'm thinking about killing myself.
Now, calm down, before you start trying to figure out how to call the suicide hotline on behalf of an anonymous blogger...I'm not suicidal.
I've just been thinking a lot lately, and here's the thing: I have a living will. Copies have been placed in the hands of trusted family/friends, all of whom nodded in understanding and said something along the lines of "I completely understand." Sometimes adding, "I have one, too." I don't want to spend the end of my life with a devastated body hooked up to tubes and wires, if there's no hope of recovery, particularly if my brain is essentially gone or going fast. People "get" this, I find.
But I also don't want to spend the end of my life alone and lonely, or desperate and homeless, if it comes to that. (This economy, it scares me.) I don't. If I somehow outlive my family and friends, not to mention my financial resources...well, that seems as untenable to me as being hooked up to machines. The thought of living out my days in the kind of nursing home available to people of limited means...without the advantage of family close by to check in on me regularly...it's appalling.
I don't want to end up like that. And it occurred to me recently that--I don't HAVE to. If I find myself someday facing a situation that would be devastating to my soul...why can't I take whatever steps necessary to prevent that? To me, it seems like another kind of living will. I'd rather go on to whatever comes next--and I do believe in life after death. Am I worried about eternal damnation, and all that? Well...I believe that God is benevolent and he/she/it will understand. I can't wrap my head around the idea that God would punish me for deciding that I'm ready to take another step on the journey, if this one has become an intolerably painful slog through emotional mud.
Don't get me wrong...I fervently hope that I live a long, rich life, surrounded by loved ones until the very end, when I die peacefully in my sleep at a ripe old age. But if circumstances dictate a different story--why not seize control of my own destiny? Make quality of life at least as important as quantity of life? Make a Backup Plan, if you will.
I thought this seemed very practical. I shared the Plan with my best friend. The reaction was, let's say, a bit different than the reaction to the living will. So I'm not telling anybody else. Well...only you. And you can keep a secret, right? Ssshhhhh.....