"Pressure pressing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for"
~Under Pressure by Queen & David Bowie
I can be my own worst enemy. My overzealous, Type A, perfection-seeking, only-seeing-the-world-in-black-and-white brain can kick my own butt sometimes and break me right on down. No one causes more stress for me than me. And boy am I doing a number on myself lately. With all the changes in my life I feel it building and churning. I sense an emotional explosion coming if I don't find a way to get some release. And that's no good for nobody. So let's talk shall we?
I have not been myself lately. Oh, I'm faking it well (at least I think I am), but right under the surface is things are building. I'm trying to be a good wife, a good daughter, a good friend, a good sister, a good aunt, a good granddaughter, a good employee and a shining example. I'm MAYBE achieving two of those. FAIL. I'm still adjusting to moving back to Sac and while I am happy to be back here with friends and family I am mourning the lose of my previous life. I liked that life. I had a job I loved, good friends and a little space in the world carved out for me and hubby. Of course it is all rosy now but in truth we weren't making it. Every month was a struggle and financially this will be better for us. But it is hard to not long for the "good 'ol days" when you sit at a job that you absolutely dread even thinking about. I KNOW it's all a transition stage but it's not helping my frame of mind right now.
And I miss my space. My own little space. My kitchen and couch. The place where my hubby and I could just lay around and be lazy and not give it a second thought. Now we share someone else's home. And everyone has to adjust, everyone has to shift. But sometimes I wonder, what have the other's done to shift? Things have "improved" for Hubby. He has even LESS to do now than he did before. Of course he has given up his privacy as well. And what of my parents? They are very used to a routine. My dad eats the EXACT same thing EVERY SINGLE DAY for breakfast. They have had to shift too. And althought I know that everyone around me is making adjustments sometimes it feels like I'm alone in changes. It's hard to be all things to all people. When and where do I get to just be me for myself?
In a week and a half I am leaving. I'm leaving my husband for two months. Of course I will see him on the weekends but I'm used to crawling in bed next to him and wrapping my leg around his and warming my freezing feet on him. That will be hard. I worry about how it will be. I worry about how he will be. I've been "taking care of him" for almost a year now. I don't want him going back to a life of frozen pizza and Taco Bell. It is silly to worry in advance about a grown man who took care of himself for 37 years but he's mine and I love him and I'm going to miss him so much. I worry about me. Can I make it through this? I know I can deal with the school part but I feel a little disenchanted with my new home-away-from-home and that is so not a good way to start out a new job.
All of these things are swirling and twirling and spinning around in my head. I need to give myself a break. I'm starting to have trouble sleeping again which is REALLY bad for anyone who encounters me in the morning. My attitude can really suck at times no matter how much I try to keep in check. I just need some space to breath.